I awoke drenched in a cold sweat, my head and muscles throbbing with pain. I slid my way to the end of the bed and stumbled out. I’m not so graceful at the moment. I wandered to the bathroom, legs weak and shaking beneath me. Wide awake, as soon as the Valium wore off. I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. I was shocked and hurt to see what I have become in 2 days. The young woman staring back at me was dead eyed, as pale as a ghost and with hair that looked like it hadn’t been brushed in a week. I brushed my appearance aside, not even really caring about my quite dramatic change. I splashed my face with water and crept back into bed. I didn’t want to take more Valium just yet, so I suffered through the pain for a while. Now here I am. Feeling just as terrible, waiting for pill time. I will spend my entire day and night in bed again, I need the rest and my brain is too cloudy to do anything. I want to do some art, but there’s nothing but pain and confusion at the moment, and I can’t seem to harness that into imagery. So rest it is.
Monthly Archives: January 2014
It’s been 29 hours since I’ve slept.
I’ve been up, up, up. It seems as though the withdrawal from Ziprasidone has given me a bout of mania. My mind has been rushing, jumping from one idea to something completely different and so on. My thinking isn’t rational and has been quite abnormal.
I’ve also been unintentionally tensing my muscles and clenching my jaw since last night. It’s made it difficult for me to walk, as my muscles are so tired. I’ve also got a tremor, which stopped me from even being able to take the top off a food container. When I went to the doctor, the receptionist brought me water and said “are you okay? You’re shaking.”
Then I got stared at. I must have looked like a junkie with the current size of my pupils. I was on a high last night – joyous happy mania, the kind where it doesn’t even bother you that you aren’t sleeping. This stayed the case until the above incident, which triggered a bit of irritability for me. I’m increasing my Valium dosage and times of day I take it to get through this withdrawal period. Apparently it will only be 4-5 days and it’s out of your system.
I am going to have to be very, very strong to get through this. Cold turkey was a tough decision, but I am still confident I, and my doctor, made the right choice.
He also told me the good news that I might be able to be taken off Phenelzine within two to three weeks. So I am going to power through this so that I can be rid of the bad medications.
I finally found some information on withdrawing from Ziprasidone (Geoden). Of course I found it in the midst of already feeling the withdrawals.
Let’s start with me. I’m awake at 2.30 and absolutely not even slightly tired. My muscles are aching and so is my head. I can’t stop clenching my jaw and I have a million thoughts racing through my head. This isn’t even 1 day in.
The stuff I’ve read online has had a general consensus of “it was HELL”.
Which I can totally understand because by tomorrow I’m probably going to be feeling absolutely awful. I’ve had my usual dosage of 15mg Valium and 4mg of Melatonin and haven’t even gotten slightly tired.
Luckily I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow!
I loathe humanity. This is not a sad rant about how I’ve been treated badly. This is nothing but my raw emotion and feelings towards humans.
We are a disgusting species. We have the capacity to be wonderful as our brains are so developed and complex. But we seldom use our minds for that. We are evil. We perform horrific acts of violence upon each other and other species, for nothing but our own pleasure. We cheat and we lie, even though we have the capacity to be good. We actually have adult humans who violate children sexually. Who beat animals to death. Who murder their own young for crying too much. We poison and destroy our environment. We chastise others for things that they can’t help. We look out for ourselves and nobody else.
While doing this, we claim to be the higher evolved species? We claim that we are better than other species?
We are nothing but animals. Animals that have evolved, like every other type of animal has. But as we evolve, we become a more vulgar and destructive species.
We have no purpose in this life other than to breed. That is what it comes down to. That is your purpose because you are nothing but another animal. How could we be so ignorant to believe that our purpose is something different? We have created different ways of finding some sort of purpose, but they lead to war and hate.
I’ve decided to write a list of short term and long term goals.
I’m doing this in order to give myself positive things to work towards. I also believe this could help in my recovery.
So here goes!
Short term goals
1. Spend more time being social. This is to aid in my recovery and try to kick social anxiety out of my life. It is also a simple goal which can be easily achieved.
2. Organise my life better. My life is severely lacking organisation, so I’m going to attempt to plan my days so that I’m able to have a stable life.
3. Stick to my plans. I’m a runaway. I couldn’t count the amount of times I have planned to do something then ended up hiding in my own home. I think this is a negative trait, so I want to try to correct it, and it will help me socially too.
Long term goals
1. Become stable enough to keep a job for a year. This will definitely take some time. It will be a huge accomplishment for me as almost every job I’ve ever had has ended due to Bipolar.
2. Remain in a healthy relationship. This is a goal because I really want stability in my life. The current relationship I am in is loving, caring, supportive and understanding. I would like to continue it this way for as long as possible.
3. Find myself. I really don’t know much about myself, I’ve never been able to take the opportunity to get to know who I really am. Within this goal, I want to find who I am underneath all the pains of life and the mental illness. I’m going to find out what I want to be in life, what I excel at and who I should be surrounding myself with.
So I’ve been upped to 1000mg of Lithium now. It seems to be working, which is great. I go off Ziprasidone this week. I couldn’t find any information on what the withdrawals may be like, so I’m not looking forward to that. I’ve been accomplishing small goals by going outside but I’m still extremely anxious and weary of people when I’m out. I’m applying for disability pension too. The forms are so long, I’m not enjoying filling them out. Apparently it takes up to 6 weeks for the claim to go through and I’ll have to see a psychiatrist from Centrelink. I don’t know how I feel about that, it will feel quite invasive I think, but it has to be done. My psychiatrist is happy to fill out his end of the paperwork, so that’s good. Hopefully it all works out and I can finally have some form of income.
I’ve also been lacking inspiration for everything really. Writing and my art therapy. It sucks because they’re both healthy outlets and my brain has just about zero creativity going on right now. Perhaps it’s the Lithium. Who knows.
That’s about all I have to update on I think.
Recently I’ve read some blog posts that are mainly lists compiled of things you absolutely must do. Or things you shouldn’t be doing.
Personally, I think these posts are a little idiotic.
An example of one I saw was Things To Do Instead of Getting Married Before 23, or some rubbish.
This is life.
Everyone is different. Everyone’s life is different.
If it makes someone happy to get married, then be happy for them rather than try to bring down that lifestyle. To be honest, it looks a bit like jealousy rearing it’s ugly head.
The things on the list are pretty basic and cliché. Mostly things you could still do if you were married anyway – but small minded people tend to not focus on facts like that.
I’m not just talking about this particular post, there are others but this one was a good example.
Any list telling people how to live their lives is a bit stupid, in my opinion.
Perhaps not when they are messages of worth, but telling someone that they must do something or their life will be incomplete is moronic.
Everyone has different interests. So why are people constantly pushing their way of living onto others?
I can’t decide whether it’s a sad attempt at boasting, or if the people that write these things genuinely believe life isn’t good without the things they list.
What if I don’t like to travel? What if I’ve already got a hobby and I don’t want another? What if I don’t feel comfortable making out with strangers, and I’m happily in love?
Rather than conform to performing tasks listed for you by some random person on the internet, why not do what YOU want to do? Accomplish things that you really want to accomplish, no matter how others view it.
People need to open their minds and think of things from other people’s perspectives. Just because you do or do not like/want to do something, doesn’t mean everyone else has to be the same. Chances are, nobody will be the exact same. Live your life the way you want to live it. Do not allow anyone else to dictate that.
I saw my psychiatrist today. I told him I’ve been feeling down and why I’ve been feeling down (reasons I’ve mentioned in previous posts) and he assured me that these are not irrational worries and concerns I have. In fact, they are positive in a way. The lithium is working so I’m feeling very natural concerns and worries, particularly about doing nothing with my life. This will lead me to start doing more, which is a big step in my recovery! I will also be stopping Ziprasidone within the next week, so I’m very happy about that.
I always feel positive after a psychiatrist session.
I need to vent.
I’m getting so tired of this. By this, I mean my current lifestyle.
I want nothing more than to be stable enough to work.
It pains me sitting here each day, feeling as though I’m wasting my days.
Then there’s the bad days, where it feels like the time off work is torture. You shouldn’t have to be trapped alone with the things you’re running from, you know?
Naturally, I don’t have enough money to spend my time doing anything of worth. So I just sit at home and wait for appointment days.
My self esteem is not doing so well because of the lack of money to maintenance myself. I know, beauty isn’t just your appearance and I’m still beautiful, but I don’t feel like myself.
I can’t take the looks when I say “I don’t work” – like I’m some useless human. Or another one, constantly suggesting jobs for me to take.
Like I’m doing this by my own choice.
I know this time off is necessary. I know it is for the best. It just really sucks on some days.