Monthly Archives: February 2014

Panic Disorder & Agoraphobia

Last week, I cancelled a counsellor appointment due to anxiety. The counsellor spoke to me for a while about why I was too anxious to come and she suggested that I may be agoraphobic. I read some info and it seemed to be exactly what has been going on for a while now for me. I saw my psychiatrist and brought it up. He asked me a lot of questions and established that I have panic disorder with agoraphobic tendencies. Which really explains a lot of my behaviour.
One of the questions he asked me was, “how many times have you left the house alone in the last 4 weeks?”
My answer was 4, and they were all to go appointments with him. I was shocked by my answer. I didn’t realise I was doing this. I thought about the previous month and it was the same story.
I haven’t left my house alone for anything but psychiatrist appointments in two months.
Now that I’m aware I want to fix it, but the fear is so very fierce. I can’t even walk to the end of the street. I’m going to be doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to try to combat this. Hoping for the best.


Friendships and losing yourself

Today I’ve been looking from photos from my teenage years up until now.
All of the older photos are filled with friends, good times and a joyous fun loving Zoe, that I fear no longer exists.
As I flicked through the photos I was flooded with memories. Mostly happy, but with a sense of sadness for all the friends I’d lost over the years.
I know it’s hard to maintain friendships with Bipolar, but I didn’t then. I have given up on so many people in my life. I get bad and I isolate myself and push everyone away. When I’m in a bad way, I honestly believe that’s the best thing to do. I want everyone away from me and destructive condition. I want solitude, where I can hurt no one and not be hurt myself.
After years of spiralling downward from Bipolar, I am left with few true friends. I am left haunted by the choices I’ve made in pushing them all away. I wish I were more honest, I wish I could have just told people why I acted that way, but I was so afraid of being judged and losing them – and the funny thing is; that’s exactly what I got anyway.
Sometimes I genuinely believe it’s best for people to not be in my life, but I’m left with a lot of unresolved, broken friendships. There’s no point in trying to rebuild now, what’s done is done.
I am a different person now. I’m a lot more awakened and in touch with myself, but I fear that’s put me at a distance from others. I opt to stay in rather than go anywhere. I don’t feel as though I have much to offer anymore. I can’t afford to pay to do much, my moods and social anxiety control my life, and I’m too scared to hang out with anyone. The fun loving person I once was is hidden deep, deep down. Was that me? Or was that the disorder? I don’t know who I am.
All I know is that I’ve become a lonely bipolar zombie.