Monthly Archives: February 2014

Panic Disorder & Agoraphobia

Last week, I cancelled a counsellor appointment due to anxiety. The counsellor spoke to me for a while about why I was too anxious to come and she suggested that I may be agoraphobic. I read some info and it seemed to be exactly what has been going on for a while now for me. I saw my psychiatrist and brought it up. He asked me a lot of questions and established that I have panic disorder with agoraphobic tendencies. Which really explains a lot of my behaviour.
One of the questions he asked me was, “how many times have you left the house alone in the last 4 weeks?”
My answer was 4, and they were all to go appointments with him. I was shocked by my answer. I didn’t realise I was doing this. I thought about the previous month and it was the same story.
I haven’t left my house alone for anything but psychiatrist appointments in two months.
Now that I’m aware I want to fix it, but the fear is so very fierce. I can’t even walk to the end of the street. I’m going to be doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to try to combat this. Hoping for the best.

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Friendships and losing yourself

Today I’ve been looking from photos from my teenage years up until now.
All of the older photos are filled with friends, good times and a joyous fun loving Zoe, that I fear no longer exists.
As I flicked through the photos I was flooded with memories. Mostly happy, but with a sense of sadness for all the friends I’d lost over the years.
I know it’s hard to maintain friendships with Bipolar, but I didn’t then. I have given up on so many people in my life. I get bad and I isolate myself and push everyone away. When I’m in a bad way, I honestly believe that’s the best thing to do. I want everyone away from me and destructive condition. I want solitude, where I can hurt no one and not be hurt myself.
After years of spiralling downward from Bipolar, I am left with few true friends. I am left haunted by the choices I’ve made in pushing them all away. I wish I were more honest, I wish I could have just told people why I acted that way, but I was so afraid of being judged and losing them – and the funny thing is; that’s exactly what I got anyway.
Sometimes I genuinely believe it’s best for people to not be in my life, but I’m left with a lot of unresolved, broken friendships. There’s no point in trying to rebuild now, what’s done is done.
I am a different person now. I’m a lot more awakened and in touch with myself, but I fear that’s put me at a distance from others. I opt to stay in rather than go anywhere. I don’t feel as though I have much to offer anymore. I can’t afford to pay to do much, my moods and social anxiety control my life, and I’m too scared to hang out with anyone. The fun loving person I once was is hidden deep, deep down. Was that me? Or was that the disorder? I don’t know who I am.
All I know is that I’ve become a lonely bipolar zombie.