Monthly Archives: November 2014

Having Bipolar vs. Being Bipolar

Something I stress to people when I inform them that I suffer from mental illness, is that I have Bipolar Disorder. I am not my Bipolar Disorder. I am a person with a mental illness. Sure, my personality at times has been drastically changed by Bipolar, but underneath it all is a real person; simply masked with illness.
I don’t believe I am my disorder. My true self will always be here.
By saying you have Bipolar rather than saying you are Bipolar, you show that you are not your illness. It is a part of you, but not all of you.
Though sometimes it may swallow you whole, you’re still there.


So, What Do You Do?

And she heard the dreaded words, “so what do you do?”
She twitched a little, thoughts raced – “what excuse shall I use? What do I possibly say? I don’t do anything, I’m mentally ill,” she became choked up and stuttered and mumbled her words, like she was learning how to talk.
“I’m off work for mental illness” she muttered silently as she looked down at her gripped hands. White knuckles once again. Just like every other time this conversation happens.
They looked at her, so clearly showing that they did not know what to say. There were different responses. Always different, but never any positive.
She released her tiny fists for fear of piercing her skin with her nails. The grip was always so tight.
Back to reality. Clueless faces staring.
She did not know what to say. No one did.
What she wanted to blurt out was so very much more than what she revealed. She thought and thought:
“I have Bipolar but I am not my mental illness. I beg of you not to think any differently of me. I am a normal person just like anyone else, but I am sick. Very sick. And I can’t help that and neither can you. It’s sad and cruel but that’s the way the world is sometimes. I take my medication and I do my therapy and I try my hardest to get up in the morning and live my life. That’s all I can do right now. And that’s okay with me. I don’t expect you to understand and I don’t ever really want you to – for no one should ever have to go through what I go through. It’s not that I don’t want you in my business, no, it’s that I don’t want you to go through it as well. No matter who you are, I don’t want you to get sucked in. I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want the sad, awkward looks. I just want you to treat me like a fellow human being”
And every time she didn’t say that, a bit of her heart broke.
She didn’t want to be ashamed. She should never have to be ashamed. But yet she felt that way anyway.

Holiday Mode

Hi guys and gals,
I haven’t been blogging as I’m currently on holidays and will be for the next week!
First up on the agenda, my boyfriend, dog and I road tripped to his home town where his father and a lot of his friends live. I’ve tried a lot of new things, it’s a country town and I’m thoroughly enjoying the relaxation and company. I haven’t even been anxious this whole time! It’s been fantastic. I did have a small anger incident with a terrible woman that calls herself a groomer. She hurt my dog and called her disgusting so I flipped out on her; because ya know, that’s what I do. I always protect my own, I don’t care if she’s a dog – she is my baby and my saviour and she will be treated as such. I have no problems with what went down though. Everyone around me that witnessed said my actions were definitely okay in that situation and I have no regrets calling a bitch out. I think I did the right thing!
Next part of my holiday is off to my home town to see my family and friends. Words cannot express how very excited I am to be seeing them soon. It’s been 6 months and I have been missing them all so.
I’ll give updates when I can!
Anyway, I hope everyone is feeling good, much love!

Music and My Mental Health

“Without music, life would be a mistake.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

In a previous post Something Different I mentioned my love for music. I thought I would expand on that thought in this post as it’s extremely relevant to my mental health, personally.
Years ago, I had a mental breakdown, or severe depressive episode, whatever you want to call. I was absolutely ruined. I laid in my bed all day and night, in complete darkness. I would scribble down my suicidal thoughts onto pieces of paper and hide them in my drawer. I was a zombie. I didn’t eat, I didn’t socialise, I didn’t do anything. I was just barely living. One day, I decided to listen to upbeat music that was also relevant to my life. The next thing I knew, I was going for walks with the song Best Day Ever by Mac Miller on repeat. Music was pulling me out of what I thought was a black hole of despair and death.
I listen to different genres for different moods. Angry music always makes me feel better when I’m feeling furious. It’s like I can relate to what they’re saying, the pain and anger in their voices, it grips me.
And then there’s times when I’m feeling fun, where I put on dance music or some Justin Timberlake and get my booty shake on. I love to dance, almost as much as I love music. So this is extremely enjoyable for me and often cheers me up if I’m feeling down, too.
Then there’s times like now when I’m feeling down about my self confidence, I go to Beyoncé. Her music makes me feel empowered and sexy. I love to belt out her tunes whilst dancing around my house. I love to watch her clips, she’s so beautiful and definitely one of my idols. When I’m feeling sexy and empowered, I forget about my silly little flaws, I embrace myself, I love every inch of myself and I truly let loose.
It’s a feeling like no other, much like my experiences with music in other situations. It’s almost like therapy for me. It’s kept me sane, and I will forever adore music, until the day I die.

Self Esteem Decline

I am a firm believer in self love, as you all would probably know by now.
I believe it’s important to appreciate your unique beauty, including your personality and physical appearance.
Grow to love yourself and you will then be capable of loving another.
However, I am also an extremely critical person of myself.
My skin has recently broken out with acne quite badly. I’ve never had acne much before, just a pimple here and there. But unfortunately due to my hormonal imbalance my skin has decided to flare up. I look like I’m going through puberty, and this didn’t even happen to me at puberty.
I can’t cover it with makeup anymore so my self esteem is rapidly depleting.
I can’t even look in the fucking mirror anymore.
I also just had a surgery so I have two small scars. I had them before, but they are fresh and noticeable again. I can’t stop looking at them and feeling awful about myself.
I need to learn not to focus on my flaws so much and remember how beautiful I really am, acne, scars and all.
I need to remember that beauty is not just outward appearance, and my inner beauty shines as bright as the summer sun lately.

Spreading Kindness.

I think everyone needs to spread a little bit of kindness wherever they may go. Whether it be a short conversation, a smile, a compliment, anything! The world is a harsh place and many of us go through tremendous hardships. You never know who the people are that go through these things as they build a sort of cocoon. An exterior that is nice to the eye, but soft inside and waiting, secretly begging to come out of it’s shell. Sometimes all it can take is a few kind words to help break people out of their shell. To make them feel happy and maybe good about themselves. A smile is infectious and think of how many people you could make smile on a day to day basis just by giving somebody one. It could brighten their day and make them pass their smile onto others. Sort of creating a chain reaction of happy faces. Can you think of anything better than for anyone to be kind to each other at all times? I don’t think I can. Not only does spreading kindness make others happy, it makes you happy, too. By being a positive soul you get inner peace and happiness. So spread a little bit of kindness throughout others lives.

Starting From The Bottom

Since my last very severe depressive episode in 2012, I have been starting to rebuild my life.
My focus for 2013 and this year has been entirely on getting my mental health to a stable level. I was in a really terrible place before I started actively trying to better myself and my life; and it is with great happiness that I can declare that I am officially in a “stable” state of mind.
My next task is entering the workforce after a long absence. I have a lead for a job lined up and I hope I get it. I will only start with one shift a week, but to be at work will be a glorious feeling. I crave independence and need money desperately.
I’m slightly scared about re-entering the workforce but mostly just excited.
I’m starting right at the bottom and I’m going to work my way up and back into normality again.
Wish me luck, everyone!