Monthly Archives: February 2015

Alone Time

I feel as though it is very important to have alone time. The sweet silence of having no one around, just time alone with your thoughts is something to be cherished. It’s in these times you learn about yourself, and in turn, learn to love yourself. When it comes down to it, you are the most important person in this world. So it is important to take care of yourself, to love yourself, to know who you are.

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Odd State

I’m in an odd state.
Two weeks of depression and anxiety followed by two days of slight hypomania.
Sleep is difficult for me at the moment, I get tired but struggle to drift off still and wake up multiple times a night, then I wake up early. I have too much energy to fall asleep initially which is quite irritating to me. But my body feels tired and sore. I have heart palpitations and racing thoughts. I have been over-purchasing considering my circumstances with money. My sex drive is wild – but endometriosis is playing up, so I am also in some pain. I’ve signed up to do a 5km run to fight stigma surrounding mood disorders in June. I’ve taken on an adoption challenge with the RSPCA where I assist in trying to find homes for dogs via social media. I have been trying to make plans with people, but a lot falls through.
I feel kind of lonely, also. I long to see my friends and family. I haven’t seen them since November and it seems to really get to me. So I booked spur of the moment flights to see them. This will be a good thing, but I’m a little worried about money to be honest.
I booked an earlier appointment with my psychiatrist and see my psychologist tomorrow. I am hoping I find some peace of mind – but I do not know where to begin really. I don’t know what’s brought this on, I plain just don’t understand it.


Down

I do this for you.
For all of you.
I do it for the people around me that love me and care for me.
I don’t do this because I like it.
I always have moments in life where I can appreciate all the beauty in the world and live a happy life.
But it never lasts.
Life is agony. My mind is cruel. My thoughts are chaotic.
I always find myself getting pushed right back into the ground; like it’s where I belong.
And the fucked up thing is, I still can’t figure out why I always go back to feeling like this.


What I Am

What am I?

I’m a young woman with mental illness. I am stitched together with kindness and goodwill, with raw emotion and loyalty. I am a series of quotes and lyrics, of witty remarks and generous gestures. I am compassionate and I do my best to make everyone happy. I am a person that gets caught up in my emotions at times. I have times where I am caught up by my illness. Where the darkness or mania overwhelms me. Where anxiety is not just a normal emotion, but a demon residing within my chest.
I have these times, but without them I would not be all of the good things I am. So perhaps it’s okay that my mind is a little chaotic, that my life gets a little messy, maybe it’s what I need to become who I truly want to be.


Caring Too Much.

It is very much in my nature to care for others when they are in times of need. I am there in an instant – doing whatever I can to help rectify the situation, or mood. I will embarrass myself at the expense of making someone laugh, and I love that about myself. I reach into my heart and spread words that could possibly make people feel better. I spread love. I appreciate them to let them know they’re beautiful souls at heart. I give almost all of my energy to helping others in their times of need that I find myself in a dark place myself. I stay up later than usual, just to talk because other people need it; which in turn deprives me of much needed sleep. I get caught up in their problems and feelings. I get down when I know that someone is suffering. And sometimes, it’s almost as if people’s problems become my own.
I feel selfish for saying these things, as I’m always here for anyone whenever they need it and would like to continue to be that way.
But one has to wonder – when is enough, enough? Is this taking a toll on me?


Mood swings

I’m having some serious mood swings lately. It has been occurring over the past week or so. My mood changes approximately twice a day, from great sadness and irritation, self doubt and feelings of worthlessness – to extremely happy and positive. I also frivolously spend money in this time and my sex drive is a lot higher than my already very high sex drive.
I’m having trouble sleeping and waking up very early.
I think this could be the root of the problem. But what bothers me is that I don’t really understand what’s going on. I am confused about my moods and that is something I’m not particularly okay with.
Not sure what’s going on. Would appreciate any advice! xx


Grateful

It’s important to be grateful in life. Sometimes making a list is helpful because you can look back and remember things that make you happy.

Things I’m grateful for today:
– belly laughs and little giggles.
I have had many moments today where I have burst out into uncontrollable laughter, right to the belly. I’ve also had plenty of little giggles at memes, celebrity feuds, funny jokes with my best friend and videos.
– spending the day with my boyfriend.
It’s his days off and I appreciate them very much as we get one on one time. Having Bipolar and maintaining a healthy relationship is tough work – so these days are good to really spend some quality time and remember why we love each other so.
– naps.
I don’t usually like naps, I wake up feeling groggy and get headaches. But not today! I had a great nap, so great I drooled all over my pillow, in fact (haha!!) I woke up feeling refreshed and happy. It was a nice change.
– my dog
Today she got her subscription box filled with toys, treats and a perfume for her. I love when these boxes arrive because she gets so excited about her new toys. She runs around happily all day with them in her mouth. I played with her a lot and we had some lovely morning cuddles. She brightened up my day with her little smiley face.