Monthly Archives: September 2015

Was It Love Or Was It Lust And Was It Real And Was It Just? 

“Why, oh why, must the soul seek things that it should run from?” She thought.

Did she love or did she lust and was it real and was it just?

She didn’t know, she couldn’t tell, her whole life was spiralling, like she was falling down a well.

The pain was real and it always lasted.

There was no escape from that fucking bastard.

Don’t get me wrong, he was swell and all.

But he swallowed up her mind almost whole.

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Maybe..

Sometimes when she thought of him she got mad at herself.

She thought it was her fault that her soul had been crushed and her entire life obliterated.

She thought that the mental breakdown was her fault.

She blamed no one but herself.

Maybe if she didn’t get so drunk that night.

Maybe if she didn’t dress so provocatively.

Maybe if she had’ve had money, she could have gotten away.

Maybe if she hadn’t of been so fucking idiotic as to believe that some people were not in fact, evil souls.

Maybe it wouldn’t have happened if she was conscious.

Maybe then, she wouldn’t be nothing but a broken human.

Maybe then, she wouldn’t have lost her way.

But that’s not what happened.

And it wasn’t her fault.

She said “no.” Pure and simple.

He did it anyway.

She died inside.

He didn’t care.

She did nothing.

She didn’t want to cause a fuss. 

Didn’t want people to look at her differently.

Didn’t want to be a rape victim.

But that’s what she was. 

And that shit doesn’t go away. 


To My Babies

To Whom It May Concern,

I’m writing in regards to our relationship. This is not a letter for one person in particular. This is a letter for those who have taken upon my wretched soul and turned it into something beautiful. It’s for those who love me unconditionally, even when I am completely unloveable. This letter is for those who are my true friends, the ones I can trust to never leave me, no matter what happens. 

I’d like to start off by saying how much I admire each and every one of you.  I pick my friends very wisely, and I have chosen you with good reason. 

A common trait among my friends is a touch of crazy, a beautiful, wonderful touch of crazy. You are all so unique so I couldn’t possibly generalise your personalities. But you do have some similar traits, and those are the following:- you are trustworthy, kind, funny, loving and loyal.

My beauties, how I adore you. 

How I admire each and every one of you, all in a different way depending on which one of you I’m speaking about. 

So I’d like to take this opportunity to say thank you.

Thank you for being someone I get to call my friend. I’ll always be here for you, just like you have me. Thank you for standing my mood swings and my lack of replies or my constant spamming of messages.  Thank you for understanding what I need to be healthy and accomodating my needs.

You all mean more to me than you could ever imagine. 

So please know this, you are wonderful and you are loved and whenever you forget this, I want you to read this letter to remind yourself that Zo will always be your gal.

xx


Those Thoughts Of Hers

And if she let you into those thoughts of hers, it was real.

But the sad fact of the matter was that no one would ever understand those thoughts of hers.

Clinically fucked up, no one understood the pain, the hellish dreams or the love that she felt for them.

No one got her.

So she kept those thoughts of hers to herself.

She locked them away, and threw away the key. 

Now no one knows what she’s thinking. 


Bless This Soul For It Has Made Mine Whole

And she whispered quietly, “bless this soul, for it has made mine whole.” As she gazed lovingly across the room.

Soul mates could come in many forms and she was so very, very pleased to have come across one of her own.

Her soul mate was not in a romantic sense. It was a person that built her up, that took her to heights she never thought she could reach and most of all, made her feel complete.

She felt so blessed to have met a being that she just clicked with, in the most serious sense of the term. 

“Why are you looking at me? Is there something on my face?” Questioned the soul mate, as she looked and scribbled messily into her notepad of broken dreams and thoughts of all sorts.

She smiled slightly, knowing that her quick-witted soul mate was the one who held the key to her heart, and that that fact would never, ever change. 


Nude Faced Glory 

  
My life has been an infinite struggle with coming terms with my appearance, and in turn, becoming confident and happy in my own skin.

Every single day of my life, I wake up, and put a full face of makeup on. I’m not saying I wear a little bit. I wear a hell of a lot; I cake on my foundation to hide any imperfection in my skin, I draw on eyebrows that are less messy and unkempt, I contour so my nose looks thinner, I put lipstick on so my lips don’t seem so washed out looking. Every single day of my life, I do this, and this has been the way for years now. 

It’s gotten to the point where my naked face tends to disgust me. I don’t recognise that person in the mirror. I am absolutely confident when I am her but not when I am really me. 

So today I challenged myself. I decided not to put makeup on. I made a conscious choice to compliment my face, whether I believed it or not.  I’m feeling good. I’ve gone into my makeup room to put makeup on twice now, but left with clean skin thankfully. I am trying to embrace the beauty that I was blessed with. I am trying to embrace me, as a whole.

Death to self-loathing, I say! I will love myself again. Flaws and all. 

So here I am, in all my nude-faced glory. Pouring my heart out to people that don’t care, in the hope that it will mend it.


So You’ve Fallen In Love With Someone With Bipolar. 

People with Bipolar go through a number of different fluctuations of episodes of Mania or Depression. 

These episodes can manifest in many, many ways. It all depends on the specific person, the trigger, the circumstances; everything.

So you’ve fallen in love with someone with Bipolar Disorder. They have an episode and you have absolutely no idea what to do. This worsens their condition as they feel alienated from society due to both stigma and the lack of understanding.

It’s a vicious, awful cycle. 

I’ve decided to compile some tips to guide you in your, what could be beautiful, journey with your loved one who suffers from Bipolar.

  • Read & Ask Questions- Knowledge really is power, it is important that you know the ins and outs of the disorder, as well as what does happen and what could happen. Ask your partner questions such as what triggers them, what they do and do not like in regards to talking. Learn more about these little perks of Bipolar Disorder, in order to show your loved one that they are not in it alone. 
  • Let Them Vent – Sometimes, all people who are suffering from mood disorders need to do is, talk it out! Simple as that. Talking it out enables them to put their feelings out there, so that they can further understand them, it also means that you can help them. 
  • Do Things With Them – Don’t leave someone who overthinks constantly alone. Just don’t do it, okay? Take your partner out. Do things, whatever they and you enjoy. Mix it up in what you do to prevent boredom. The reasoning behind this one is the simple fact that people that are mentally ill require slightly more love and affection, as well as exercise. These things all boost the mood dramatically, but in a healthy and constructive manner.  Leaving someone alone who overthinks means they spend all their time analysing situations that should not be thought about and can lead to disruption in mood.
  • Let Them Sleep – Sleep is incredibly important when you have mental illness.  Circadian sleep rhythms must be kept in order to prevent manic or depressive episodes.  You may find it slightly odd that your partner wants to sleep a lot, and often has more than 8 hours sleep yet still wants more. Or dramatically less than 8 hours sleep and crumbles into a slight mess. But this is all part of the disorder. You have to keep in mind that medication does affect how much sleep they have as it can be heavily sedating. You also have to keep in mind that this could be a warning sign for an episode, so keep an eye out for unusual sleep patterns.
  • Remind Them You Care – This one is a no-brainer, really. It’s important in any and every relationship. Often, when depressed or manic, bipolar patients can forget entirely that anyone cares about them. Or more so, don’t believe it. So tell them the following: I love you, I’m here for you, I care, I won’t leave you. This helps tremendously in the battle of Bipolar as it strengthens the relationship and makes them feel happy.

Keep in mind that this post is purely my opinions and suggestions and by no means that of a medical professional, just one who suffers.