Monthly Archives: December 2015

In The Moment 

You cannot live your life letting your thoughts rot your mind away. 

Do not live inside your head – live in the moment instead.

No good comes from dwelling upon the what ifs and the past, so just take it day by day.

Do this, and you’ll finally get ahead. 

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The Sweetest Catastrophe

She was a catastrophe, however oh-so sweet. 

It was the sort of thing you couldn’t look away from. 

Often breaking down, riddled with paranoia and slowly dying on the inside. 

But still, a beautiful catastrophe; it was her courage and her resilience that made things that little bit more interesting. 

For when her heart began to blacken and life began to tear her apart – she would fight it. With all her might and will, she would battle harder than ever before. 


The Dances With The Devil

She didn’t even want to  speak his name.

He took her dignity, her pride and her self confidence and battered them all into nothing. 

Day by day, he’d chip away at her surface in one way or another.

It was a dance between a narcissist and a fragile being; there was no way it could have ever turned out anything but nasty.

Nonetheless, she was there. 

And he was lying more by the day, starting to get more serious about the sickening, little power trip he was on.

Soon, she felt like shit beneath a shoe.

He’d gotten his way and broken her down to under him. She depended on him in every aspect of life because he took. 

First it was family, then it was friends, then he played on her illnesses.

He claimed she was overreacting as she laid in a pool of her own blood on the floor, or depressed in a self loathing ball.

You see, that was right where he wanted her – vulnerable. 

But the funny thing was, when it was over and done, she caught onto his trickery. 

She thought to herself, “time to dance with the devil once more.” 

So she played along.  She waited patiently, holding secrets of his in her hand, just deciding when to throw them in his face. 

Her heart grew cold for him. He was the one who was nothing. 

Fuck his front. Fuck his lying. Fuck his backstabbing. Fuck his emotionless abuse. Fuck his disgusting sense of self confidence. 

She gathered her time and her thoughts and she got what she wanted. 

And then, she decided to strike. 

Spitting truths like daggers to his blackened heart. Bursting it into nothingness. 

As for now, she rebuilt herself, and he does not exist to her. 


The Runner The Hider 

For the past four years of my life, I have a been a runner and a hider. 

I have spent my time in my room, alone, writing the pain away. 

I didn’t know that in the process, I was neglecting the people that were there for me before the shitstorm began.

You know who you are if you’re one of them. You pulled me up in a time that I thought I was broken. You made me laugh on a bad day. You treated me like a human being that wasn’t damaged. 

But I still ran, and I still hid, for I couldn’t take the nightmare I was living in. 

I know I’m different to other types of friends. I know I’m not the best to come to for relationship advice (mostly because I’ll tell you dump them and I’ll kill them), I know I can’t buy gifts to show my affection because I can’t get a job, I know I don’t always rock up to events and it’s purely because of my disordered mind. 

But know this, I’m still always here for you, and the real me will be back.


Fuzzy Future

I think what hurt her the most,

was the simple fact,

that she had absolutely no idea of the future.

It’s not that she was asking to know what was going to happen,

more so that needed some clarity as to the present,

in order to build her future she’d always dreamed of.

But now dreams were frightening,

for they seemed unreachable,

everything was just – fuzzy. 


Love Rut 

She was stuck in a love rut. 

So very deep in the relationship,

so very in love with everything about him. 

She lusted after him in a way she never thought possible. 

Alas, the love was fading,

and she couldn’t take it.

She needed passion and affection, 

but the more she sought it, the further away it became. 


Is Suicide Selfish? opinion piece 

I’ve decided to write an opinion piece on suicide and people calling it “selfish.”

I, in no way, condone suicide. I truly believe everyone should keep fighting no matter how tough life becomes. It gives strength and character to get through such terrible depression or other mental illness. 

I will warn you, there may be triggers in this piece. So if you are triggered by this matter, please do not continue reading. 

I often hear people refer to suicide as a selfish act, but I don’t think these are people who have been through such depression that suicidal thoughts are inflicted on the mind.  When someone kills themselves, they do not think that it is going to hurt anyone at all.  They believe they are a burden to society, and mostly, the ones they love. Their mind is riddled with thoughts of their demise. I am speaking out of my personal experience here.  When I have become suicidal, I have always thought, with all my heart, that I would be doing everyone a favour by leaving this earth by my own hand.  The thoughts consume you so much that you’re constantly wondering how you could do it, how you could leave no trace of you behind and how you could ease the burden of the after effects of your death. Now, I don’t think that’s selfish thinking at all. It’s being stuck between a rock and a hard place, mentally. The amount of planning that usually goes into a suicide is pretty damn terrifying. But it goes to show that the people are not just doing this out of spite or selfishness. They are trying desperately to eradicate their mark on this planet. The turmoil that is left behind after a suicide is not often thought about, because you believe that it is for the best – for everyone. 

I want anyone out there to who is feeling suicidal, that it will get better. 

Push through with everything you have. 

Life your life, you deserve it as much as anyone else around. 

Don’t be disheartened by your horrid thoughts turning on you, I beg of you, just keep fighting through them. 

When you arise from the abyss, you will be stronger than ever, with more knowledge and a greater appreciation for life.