The overhelming sense of anger led to an irrational state.
She was violent and angry, with all of this negative energy focused entirely around her self loathing.
And then it happened.
Like it did that time, and that other time before.
Fists clenched and shaking, ready for the pain. Punches thrown toward her own face and head. Screaming mercilessly about fantasies of death.
And sadly, this made her feel somewhat better; for the pain was no longer in her mind, rather her body.
At what point does one come to the conclusion that self harm is the solution?
At what point shall she be considered insane for repeating the same action over and over and expecting different results?
At what point would it all go away? All the pain, the suffering, the heartache, the depression, the anxiety riddled mind?
And I’m screaming but no one can hear me. And I’m crying but no one can console me. And I’m fighting but nothing can fix it. And I’m done but have to keep going.
How I wish for a great escape. How I wish for the problems to disappear entirely. How I wish I wasn’t so fucking dead inside.
And maybe the fairy tale isn’t just surviving.
Perhaps the fairy tale itself is the story of when we start thriving.
It’s not about love or settling down,
it’s all about starting your day with a smile rather than a frown.
There may be dragons and alike along the way,
but if you battle your hardest all the blood, sweat and tears have not gone astray.
Remember you’re worth it and that life will get better,
and work your hardest to be a go getter.
The fairy tale exists if you look hard enough,
so please do your hardest to deal with the times that are tough.
Communication is key in life.
So when there’s a communication breakdown, or even worse, you can’t express how you feel properly – you may experience some bad feelings.
If you are having trouble expressing yourself, I find it best to write it down in order to process it further.
Sure, a lot of the times it’s a scrawled mess of a mental illness riddled mind, but the important factor is that your feelings are in front of you, no matter how upsetting they may be.
You can take these and learn to verbalise them so people can grow to understand you better, and also what you may be going through.
Communication is important because without it, you tend to feel alone, or perhaps like others will never understand you.
The reason behind there being so many communication breakdowns to do with mental illness, is that people do not know how to articulate what they want to say, and word vomit ends up happening. Which is never what anyone wants.
Yelling, swearing, and heat of the moment thoughts and feelings can be very damaging, so it’s important to learn to harness how to communicate with people about what’s going on inside your head, no matter how fucked up it may seem to you.
There’s always help around the corner if you learn to speak up when you need to.
Was it the fleeting moments of stability that made it all worth it?
You know the type, those times when you feel as though everything is just right. You’re surrounded by love, financial hardship is no longer an issue and you feel genuinely happy.
But they end, often rather quickly.
So is it those that keep us going, or is it the fact that we are indeed living good lives, but with hellish minds?
Perhaps it’s both.
We get so caught up, tricked even, into believing we are worth so little, and by our own minds.
And when we’re happy we make memories that give us a tiny bit of hope for the future bad times.
And she kept a chapter of her life sealed up, never to be read to anyone; or so she thought.
Time went by and it became more and more difficult to hold back the details of the chapter.
She tried to run from it and she even harder to hide from it – but you can’t get away from your own story.
Though the details of the of this specific hidden chapter of her life were brutal and gritty, they needed to be released to the world.
For she had learnt that the story that goes untold is the one that will ultimately kill you.
There’s only so much love one can give before they realise it will never be reciprocated.
There’s only so much trust one can have before it gets trampled in front of them repeatedly.
There’s only so much happiness one can feel when stuck in the dark depths of mental illness.
There’s only so much pride one can have in themselves when they are constantly brought down by society and even worse, the ones who they thought cared for them.
There’s only so much one can do. There’s only so much one can say. Choose your actions wisely and learn when to bite your tongue.