I am ever so tired, yet hellishly awake.
My mind races, as well as my thoughts and words.
I’ve ground my back teeth down to points again.
My head throbs from the constant jaw clenching and tooth grinding.
And I’m numb to emotion.
I don’t care.
I just don’t fucking care what happens.
At what point does the madness stop?
I certainly don’t know where it began, so I do not have much faith in ever knowing the answer to this question, either.
It feels as though I am continually falling then getting up, and while I’m dusting myself off – I get kicked right back over.
It is a horrendous cycle of everlasting pain that makes me question everything.
But there will never be any answer, except that this is my life, and I must deal with it.
Although I have been depressed for as long as I can possibly remember – I am finding fleeting moments of stability, and what I assume to be happiness.
I’ve never been a happy person. Too many mental illnesses colliding all at once, too much trauma, too many let downs in general.
So when these feelings come on, I feel pride, as well.
I have been through so much, and I have never really admitted that before for the sake of not wanting to be seen as an attention seeker. But it’s time to let go.
It’s time to embrace that my life is what it is. It may be messy, it may be downright sad a lot of the time, but that’s okay. Just like it’s okay to feel this happiness, even though I’m not too sure what that feeling means yet.
There’s certain lies people will tell a person with mental illness, ever so frequently, in an attempt to make them feel better.
Now, these people, generally speaking, don’t mean to offend. They don’t mean to tell a lie even, but they haven’t suffered through mental illness themselves, or they just want someone to feel a bit better, and this often means the truth goes unspoken.
I, personally, want the truth. The cold, hard, potentially devastating truth. That way, I know what I’m in for. I’m not living in a fantasy land where everything is fine.
So please refrain from saying, “everything is going to be okay.” and “if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.” because you don’t know those things for certain, and I know for a fact that you’re only saying them so I will be happy.
But that’s just not how happiness works.
And I’m not saying I know how happiness works, because I don’t remember ever feeling that emotion in my life. But I am saying that it’s okay to be absolutely and utterly clueless on what to say.
A hug will suffice, thank you.
I hope and I plead,
everything will all work out,
and that this pain will stop, my body will heal,
and I will finally know what it feels like to be truly happy and healthy.
I hope and I plead,
I’ll wake up stronger than the previous days,
and I’ll feel as though I’m actually going to be okay.
Life’s not as easy as everyone makes it out to be.
“Just make the decision to be happy each day.” is a ridiculously difficult feat, to which, not many people can actually do.
We’re human beings, for fucks sake.
We are allowed to be fragile, and we’re allowed to be broken sometimes too, and that doesn’t make us any lesser people.
So if you are feeling like you’re doing it all wrong, because everyone else is trying to motivate you with bullshit, just ignore it.
Feel what comes naturally and don’t be ashamed of that, ever.
They’ve got me surrounded.
They’ve taken over.
I can’t escape.
I can’t run and I certainly can’t hide.
Some of them scream and shout at me.
Some of them have a gun to my head.
They’re nasty beasts.
They’re the voices in my head.