Manic But Okay With It

At this point in my life, I would rather feel nothing than to deal with the reality of it all. 

Manic as hell means no feelings for me, or if I do happen to scrape up the ability to feel something, it is probably nonsense that passes my train of thought within seconds, so it doesn’t really bother me – to be completely honest. 

When I’m not manic, it seems I am in a constant state of depression. Nothing and no one can fix the feelings and thoughts that run rampant through me. And it fucking hurts, you know? 

It hurts to know that no matter how hard you try, you can’t feel what happiness really is, you can’t change what’s happened and you can’t fix yourself in the long term at all. 

Every little hiccup in life snowballs into something fierce and terrifying, that I simply cannot handle, nor cope with. 

So I guess I’d rather stay this way. 

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About zedmondson

Zoe. 22. Australia. I'm writing to share my experiences with Bipolar Disorder with others. I believe in fighting stigma surrounding mental illness. I believe in being able to wear my heart on my sleeve; or on my blog. And I believe in myself. That's what my blog is all about. Hope you enjoy x View all posts by zedmondson

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