and I’m crumbling, I’m stumbling, oh,
now I’m falling, hear my name that you’ve been calling,
but can’t see the light. can’t stop the fight,
and torn the fuck apart. and of course, all of this leads to a perpetually broken heart.
maybe I’ll end up slipping, end up flipping.
take them out, tell them what this is – tell them what it’s all about.
and then, they’ll know what pain is, they’ll know what shame is,
and they’ll be just like me.
It’s been five years.
One year of heavy denial.
Two years of feeling guilty, not to mention, repulsed by my own self.
Three years of diagnosis and treatment.
Five years of screaming internally,
of hitting myself in fits of unfathomable rage,
of mixed emotions,
of heartbreak and heartache and a lack of trust and also, faith.
Five years of envisioning crushing your world like you crushed mine,
of blaming myself and then hating that I do so,
of panic attacks and a dreadful fear of the unknown.
And I thought that time healed wounds,
but it seems like this will never end.
And when my heart was broken, and I was forever in the spiral of depression,
you were there.
You were there telling me everything would end up how it has now, and you were there – speaking life into me.
And when my mind felt as though it’d lost the plot, and I was constantly doubting my reasons to live,
you were there.
You were assuring me that life would get better, and you were there – breathing life into me.
I can promise you this much:
one day, you will wake up and everything seem to make sense, and all the tears, all the endless fighting, all the hardships and all the pain will matter just a bit less. Enough to change things entirely for you. Enough to make you realise that life has been worth enduring many storms, and is most definitely worth living.
With this sense of contentment comes the greatest feeling in the world, happiness, which may have seems pretty elusive before, but one day will be in your grips, and you will never look back with a frown. Rather, a smile and a feeling that you’ve achieved a lot and will continue to do so; no matter where your mind takes you.
Love is not as complicated as everyone wants it to be. Sure, it is a little complex, but not so much that it’s not worth having.
It’s trust, it’s belly laughs and grins from cheek to cheek. Love is understanding. It’s caring about someone or something ever so deeply, and not to mention a little bit of fascination with them. Love is not just for relationships, it’s everywhere. It flourishes your soul in a way that nothing else ever could, it sets fire to your soul in the best way possible.
Love truly makes you cherish life – even when it has been lost. For losing love is just as important as ever having it to start with. It teaches so many lessons that are seemingly unspeakable. Love makes you stronger and more resilient – partially due to knowing you are going to be backed up no matter what, and partially because of the torment it can play on our hearts, at times.
It’s important, in my own opinion, to love fearlessly, and with everything you have inside of you – because being afraid to love is being afraid to live.
Sometimes things are bound to get a little hazy; simply because life is like that, not because you’re crazy.
The world is a big, scary place; but don’t let that make you feel like you have to save face.
You’ll get knocked over in this life, kicked when you’re down; but don’t let that dim your smile, oh please, don’t let that make you frown.
These issues happen to everyone, and that’s just how life tends to go; so make sure you smile today, and enjoy the ride up and down, to and fro.
My heart, it breaks.
And oh, how it aches.
I have a feeling that for me it’s too late.
And oh, how I wish that wasn’t the case.
My body, it trembles.
And oh, how the things I once knew have gone to shambles.
I have a incling that I’m a little more than addicted.
And oh, how I wish the paradigm had shifted.