Poetry 

I want to reach into your mind (don’t fret, I’ll be kind)

Pluck apart your notion that you’re not good enough (I’ll do anything it takes, even if it’s tough)

Start a different thought pattern for you (I just never, ever want to see you blue) 

I’d do these things with all my might (and I won’t fail, for it’s within you I see the light) 

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Walk through hellfire

I can fake it, sure. I can be one of the many people afflicted by mental illness that hides how they truly feel.  I can pretend that it will all be alright, can pretend that I’m not dying on the inside.

But I can’t bare to lie anymore. 

It’s hard to describe how I feel, really.  There is a large part of me that wants to do the above, in order to save myself and stop hurting everyone around me. 

But I just cannot walk through hellfire daily and not speak of the burns. 

I am not that person.  People must know that such pain exists within some human’s minds.  They must know that sometimes getting out of bed feels like torture and trying to act ‘normal’ is god damned impossible. 

If people don’t know these things, then everyone would end up suffering. 


I’m alright (suffer in silence)

It’s at the point where it’s just easier to say “I’m alright.” Rather than tell the horrid truth.  

When it comes down to it, I don’t think I’ll ever find another soul on this wretched earth who truly, really, understands what I say when I explain what goes on in my head.  I can try to explain, but words are never enough.  

My thoughts collide at such speed and force that I can’t keep up, and it’s awfully tiring to try to cope with.  There’s a rational side of me that tells me I will be fine, that I can stand this and that I do deserve this life.  But then there’s the deep, dark voices.  They say the opposite, they say it’s time to give up if you can’t get better and if you can’t give up? Then be quiet.  Suffer in eternal silence. 


Exhausted 

I’m just exhausted, you know?  Every day is a challenge, and I know that’s the case for many, but that doesn’t make it any easier.  I’m stuck in fight or flight mode and the physical symptoms I feel are running rampant.  My head is pounding, perhaps from the constant gritted teeth, or maybe from the fact that my muscles are more tense than they have ever been before.  I’m constantly nauseous, due to anxiety rippling through my body.  My muscles are weaker than normal, as if I’m just losing the will to carry on.  

My mind is carrying on, fighting for the sake of fighting, by the feel of it.  I don’t see a purpose and I don’t see a happy ending; I see eternal pain.  I have yearned for a life of happiness, but I’ve been met with a life of mental illness.  

And you can’t just get over it.  You can’t do anything but fight, and there’s only so much fighting one can do before becoming bloody and bruised and broken.


Fighting Off Emotions 

When will we learn? 

When will we learn that we cannot find true happiness until we let our bodies succumb to every single emotion that’s felt?

We spend so much time fighting.

We spend so much time fighting off sadness, off anger and all the other emotions inbetween. 

For what? 

For what purpose do we choose to disregard these emotions? 

Are we seeking solace or hiding? 

Are we seeking solace, happiness in it’s highest regard, or are are we hiding from the things that make us feel different to how we want to feel? 


Chasing a dream 

We’re all chasing a dream. 

At every stage in our lives, at every twist and turn, up and down, we are always just chasing a dream. 

It’s what makes humans thrive and it’s what keeps us alive.  The constant chase can tear you down like nothing else, but it also makes you rise above.  It makes you stronger, because with every little dream achieved and made into a memory, you dream bigger.  

I’m not trying to say you won’t break your heart in the process of accomplishing a dream, and I’m certainly not saying that they will ever be easy.  Hell, sometimes you’ll think you’ve failed, but the secret is to not count attempts at a dream as a failure, because you truly tried and that’s half the damn battle.  

But dreams are yours, and they’re there for the taking. 

So find what fuels your firey passion and chase it down with everything you’ve got.  


Medication

Managing Bipolar Disorder can be tricky, to say the least, and medication plays a large part in treatment and recovery.  

I have been medicated incorrectly, I have gone off my medication abruptly, I have tapered off, I have taken it for years on end and sometimes I’ve given it up entirely for years on end.  I cannot count on two hands how many medications I have trialled and found to be unsuitable for me.  I have found what I can and cannot tolerate, body wise. 

So I guess I’ve been around, in terms of medication.  I’m not saying I’m an expert, but from my experience and in my personal opinion, I believe medication along with therapy is a dream team of treatment for Bipolar.  

As Manic Depression is chemical and genetic  rather than situational, it is important to find the right balance – whether it be through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or mood stabilisers and the like.  Without any treatment, it is a very difficult disorder to manage, which is why it is so important that people who are suffering get diagnosed correctly.

I am currently on Antipsychotics and Antidepressants to manage my condition and it helps me an immense amount.  But that doesn’t mean it came to me easily.  As I said, I have trialled many medications, many therapies, and I have been labelled a ‘sensitive case’ by medical professionals, due to the reactions that take place from most medications for me. 

Do you think that stopped me in my search for sanity though? 

Nope, not for one second.  In my younger days I did not understand therefore I did not partake in the appropriate measures to feel a bit better.  But since educating myself and being educated by others, I have found solace.

Medication will be a part of my life forever, and I have no problem with that.   What I have a problem with is the judgement inflicted upon me when I state that I am medicated.  I have been told so very many times that there’s natural solutions, but that’s not the case for every disorder.  Bipolar is incurable.  It is manageable though, and you can still live a normal life while you have it.