My heart and my mind are conflicted with one another.
“Run away, girl, for you’re nothing but a burden.” the voices shout, over and over.
But my heart says the opposite. It tells me to choose life and to stay, to embrace what I’ve been given and that I am a gift.
Alas, it is the truth that the brain is the one calling the shots.
If I were one to listen to my brain, I would surely be dead by now. And that’s the sad truth of it.
My heart has done well by me, it has kept me alive and striving for anything good in life – but it is breaking under all the pressure of fighting the mind.
So what am I to do?
Although I have been depressed for as long as I can possibly remember – I am finding fleeting moments of stability, and what I assume to be happiness.
I’ve never been a happy person. Too many mental illnesses colliding all at once, too much trauma, too many let downs in general.
So when these feelings come on, I feel pride, as well.
I have been through so much, and I have never really admitted that before for the sake of not wanting to be seen as an attention seeker. But it’s time to let go.
It’s time to embrace that my life is what it is. It may be messy, it may be downright sad a lot of the time, but that’s okay. Just like it’s okay to feel this happiness, even though I’m not too sure what that feeling means yet.
They’ve got me surrounded.
They’ve taken over.
I can’t escape.
I can’t run and I certainly can’t hide.
Some of them scream and shout at me.
Some of them have a gun to my head.
They’re nasty beasts.
They’re the voices in my head.
Today marks three years of WordPress, for me.
This has been such a fantastic outlet, as well as a helpful tool in my recovery.
To write, soothes the soul, it cleanses and it nourishes the mind.
I am thankful for everyone who has ever left me a comment, liked a post, followed me, and of course read along with my journey.
Although I have only been with WordPress for three years, my writing began long ago. Ten years, to be precise, but with WordPress I truly feel as though I can reach out to others who have similar struggles, as well as relate to the stories of them.
I can’t quit. Not now.
I have poured my heart and soul out.
I have gone through countless medication changes, therapy sessions, counsellors.
I’ve had trauma come into play, I’ve had a mental breakdown and I’ve been labelled as a patient that suffers from PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia.
At times, I doubted everything. Hell, I still do.
But not once did I give up. And I don’t intend to any time soon.
I’m not a fucking quitter, and I know I’m going to come out on top eventually.
The pill count is continually fluctuating;
much like my mood, it would appear.
It all started with one at 14 years of age. Xanax.
My madness worsened, and I was in a somewhat zombie like state when I was on my one drug.
Then came my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, two years later.
I was just 16 then and I am 24 now, and let me tell you – I have lost count of how many drugs I have been on since being given my multiple diagnoses.
At one point, I was on 13 pills a night.
And it’s a feeling like no other to look down into the palm of your hand and see a multitude of drugs, sitting there waiting to be consumed.
Years later, and I’m on 8 pills per day now.
And it still fucking hurts to look at the amount that is there.
It’s the glimmers of light through the storm cloud,
and the smiles from strangers.
The warmth of a loved ones hug,
and the smell of fresh flowers.
It’s the feeling of true love,
and the idea that things will get better.
These are the things that keep my heart beating and my mind working and my soul warm.
Focus on the little things and you may find that you awaken your inner being like never before. You find your purpose and achieve what you have set out to do in life. The conscious being is one who can see both the good and bad in life, but still prosper.