Sometimes I ponder a life free from Bipolar Disorder.
There is a certain type of shackle that holds you tighter than you ever thought imaginable, almost suffocating you with every single breath – and it comes along with Bipolar depression.
There’s also beautiful, brilliant and downright mindblowing experiences had when manic. They’re so euphoric that you feel limitless. Alas, Mania always crashes or switches it’s way into severe irritability and irrationality.
I haven’t found my in between within this disorder. I can confidently say that I have never felt happiness for more than a fleeting moment. Instead, my breaks between episodes are just a state of numbness. I don’t know what is happening to me – so I stop caring for myself. However, one day.. I will find my in between, and when I do – life will never be the same again.
At this point in my life, I would rather feel nothing than to deal with the reality of it all.
Manic as hell means no feelings for me, or if I do happen to scrape up the ability to feel something, it is probably nonsense that passes my train of thought within seconds, so it doesn’t really bother me – to be completely honest.
When I’m not manic, it seems I am in a constant state of depression. Nothing and no one can fix the feelings and thoughts that run rampant through me. And it fucking hurts, you know?
It hurts to know that no matter how hard you try, you can’t feel what happiness really is, you can’t change what’s happened and you can’t fix yourself in the long term at all.
Every little hiccup in life snowballs into something fierce and terrifying, that I simply cannot handle, nor cope with.
So I guess I’d rather stay this way.
Don’t know what to think nor how to feel,
it’s as if I’ve been given a raw deal.
So I beg and I plead for a life kindness,
only to be met with my mind as a bewildering mess.
Fighting the bad and treasuring the good,
doing whatever I’m told – doing whatever I should.
And with voices in my mind mixing me up,
I honestly don’t know what to do because I lot of the time, they scream “Give the fuck up!”.
You took me to Underland, then Wonderland, and back and fourth again so many times I’ve damn-well lost count.
Neither of these places were safe for me and you continued to drag me to them, even when I fought tooth and nail.
But it’s not fucking happening anymore.
I’m the heroine here. I, and my life, will not be dictated by the wrath of mental illness. I’m the one that got through the horrible places and became more resilient.
Fuck your Underland. Fuck your lie of a Wonderland. I just want the world for what it really is.
People with Bipolar go through a number of different fluctuations of episodes of Mania or Depression.
These episodes can manifest in many, many ways. It all depends on the specific person, the trigger, the circumstances; everything.
So you’ve fallen in love with someone with Bipolar Disorder. They have an episode and you have absolutely no idea what to do. This worsens their condition as they feel alienated from society due to both stigma and the lack of understanding.
It’s a vicious, awful cycle.
I’ve decided to compile some tips to guide you in your, what could be beautiful, journey with your loved one who suffers from Bipolar.
- Read & Ask Questions- Knowledge really is power, it is important that you know the ins and outs of the disorder, as well as what does happen and what could happen. Ask your partner questions such as what triggers them, what they do and do not like in regards to talking. Learn more about these little perks of Bipolar Disorder, in order to show your loved one that they are not in it alone.
- Let Them Vent – Sometimes, all people who are suffering from mood disorders need to do is, talk it out! Simple as that. Talking it out enables them to put their feelings out there, so that they can further understand them, it also means that you can help them.
- Do Things With Them – Don’t leave someone who overthinks constantly alone. Just don’t do it, okay? Take your partner out. Do things, whatever they and you enjoy. Mix it up in what you do to prevent boredom. The reasoning behind this one is the simple fact that people that are mentally ill require slightly more love and affection, as well as exercise. These things all boost the mood dramatically, but in a healthy and constructive manner. Leaving someone alone who overthinks means they spend all their time analysing situations that should not be thought about and can lead to disruption in mood.
- Let Them Sleep – Sleep is incredibly important when you have mental illness. Circadian sleep rhythms must be kept in order to prevent manic or depressive episodes. You may find it slightly odd that your partner wants to sleep a lot, and often has more than 8 hours sleep yet still wants more. Or dramatically less than 8 hours sleep and crumbles into a slight mess. But this is all part of the disorder. You have to keep in mind that medication does affect how much sleep they have as it can be heavily sedating. You also have to keep in mind that this could be a warning sign for an episode, so keep an eye out for unusual sleep patterns.
- Remind Them You Care – This one is a no-brainer, really. It’s important in any and every relationship. Often, when depressed or manic, bipolar patients can forget entirely that anyone cares about them. Or more so, don’t believe it. So tell them the following: I love you, I’m here for you, I care, I won’t leave you. This helps tremendously in the battle of Bipolar as it strengthens the relationship and makes them feel happy.
Keep in mind that this post is purely my opinions and suggestions and by no means that of a medical professional, just one who suffers.
She longed for a deep slumber in which she dreamed of marvellous anomalies.
Oh, how she longed for that. She missed those types of sleeps like she had never missed anything before.
You see, when she did not get her correct sleep, she did not function quite as normal.
There was a little less sparkle in her smile, colour in her face, spring in her step.
So she craved it, every single day.
Alas, sleep eluded her, for she was an insomniac – right to the core.
A night thinker, a day dreamer, a worrier and of course, Bipolar.
“I hate to be the one to break this to you, but my heart does not belong to you,” she said, in a manic fit of rage.
“No one owns my fucking heart. I don’t even know if there’s one really there.”
He gazed at her with a quizzical look and a tear in his eyes. “How could she?” He thought, “how could she say such awful things? How could she believe they are true?”
He tried to touch her and she flinched. It hurt him, it made no difference to her.
“Mania is a cold hearted bitch, and I am the mania.” She jabbed.
She could not stop. She did love him deep down, but she could not feel it at that moment.
Hate and anger raged through her body.
There was no love. There was only mania.