When will we learn?
When will we learn that we cannot find true happiness until we let our bodies succumb to every single emotion that’s felt?
We spend so much time fighting.
We spend so much time fighting off sadness, off anger and all the other emotions inbetween.
For what purpose do we choose to disregard these emotions?
Are we seeking solace or hiding?
Are we seeking solace, happiness in it’s highest regard, or are are we hiding from the things that make us feel different to how we want to feel?
Difficult to know how to act when it feels as though you’ve been stripped of everything you once were.
So hard, that normality seems like a distant illusion – or maybe a farfetched dream of sorts.
To look in the mirror and see the face of pain, that is a soul crushing act, for you don’t see you anymore. Just a faint speck of you, masked by the shell of a terribly sad human being.
And when you spend so much time on edge in fight or flight mode, it’s almost impossible to feel as if you’ll ever be alright again.
I have been my own hero for some time now. I have fought to survive day in and day out.
I have not given into the voices and the dark temptations they bring.
There have been people to assist me along the way, and for that I am eternally grateful, but the ultimate truth in life is that the only one who can save you is yourself.
So I am here, I am fighting, and I shall continue to do so for the rest of my life.
My heart and my mind are conflicted with one another.
“Run away, girl, for you’re nothing but a burden.” the voices shout, over and over.
But my heart says the opposite. It tells me to choose life and to stay, to embrace what I’ve been given and that I am a gift.
Alas, it is the truth that the brain is the one calling the shots.
If I were one to listen to my brain, I would surely be dead by now. And that’s the sad truth of it.
My heart has done well by me, it has kept me alive and striving for anything good in life – but it is breaking under all the pressure of fighting the mind.
So what am I to do?
Sometimes I ponder a life free from Bipolar Disorder.
There is a certain type of shackle that holds you tighter than you ever thought imaginable, almost suffocating you with every single breath – and it comes along with Bipolar depression.
There’s also beautiful, brilliant and downright mindblowing experiences had when manic. They’re so euphoric that you feel limitless. Alas, Mania always crashes or switches it’s way into severe irritability and irrationality.
I haven’t found my in between within this disorder. I can confidently say that I have never felt happiness for more than a fleeting moment. Instead, my breaks between episodes are just a state of numbness. I don’t know what is happening to me – so I stop caring for myself. However, one day.. I will find my in between, and when I do – life will never be the same again.
With dignity stripped entirely, I uttered the words I never thought would come out of my trembling mouth.
But there I was. Saying the worst of the worst, and my mind was just.. confused.
How could anyone break trust in such a way that it completely and utterly ruins another human being?
I didn’t think about revenge. I never thought about anything but the fact that my heart had been smashed into a million fucking sharp pieces and my brain had begun to play the tricks of PTSD on me.
I was just always trying to wrap my head around the whole situation.
But now.. things are different now.
I am not broken.
I am healing.
I am not broken.
I am shining.
I am not broken.
I am going to be okay.
PTSD recovery is taking two steps forward, then one step back. This is the reality of it, for recovery is so very complex.
It’s changing everything about yourself – in order to survive, and this is all well and good until the inevitable happens and you are triggered by something that sends you back that step.
What you need to remember, is though you’ve taken a step back from your progress, you are still one up. You are still recovering.
If it’s a slow recovery, so be it. What matters is that you carry on the fight, ignore the steps which take you backward and pursue a happy life.