I am a fucking warrior.

I fight wars inside my own mind. 

And one hundred percent of the time, I come out victorious. 

Sometimes the wars are more gruelling than others; thoughts turned entirely against me, feelings of hopelessness and no escape.

But I emerge, and when I emerge, I am a stronger being. 

The war being against myself is the most devastating part of all – to almost have two selves fighting each other, trying their hardest to get their way. 

But you see, I am a fucking warrior. Nothing can stop me. 

Fight Or Flight, Baby.

And I’m on the fucking edge, so don’t push me, I’m trying not to fall off as it is. 

The anxiety is swallowing my life whole and I don’t know what to do. 

I can’t breathe. I just want to fucking breathe. 

The butterflies are tearing apart my stomach.

My thoughts and rapid and wild. 

It’s fight or flight baby, and my body is choosing to fight all the way. 

Strength

And you see, you aren’t really born strong, it’s something you learn. Sure, it’s in your soul somewhere – but you must forge your own strength, which is a seemingly difficult task for some.

Strength comes after one works towards gaining it. It does not just happen.

It’s waking up in the morning and choosing to live a life you can one day be proud of, and of course, not stopping. Not letting little things break your beautiful spirit. Carrying on with life though it may seem like it’s not worth it. 

When you’re pushed down, it hurts. But what matters is that you get back up. 

That is strength.

Holiday

With recent events happening, I have found myself spiralling downward – quickly. 

In light of this horrible state I’m in, my parents organised and booked a flight for me to go to my hometown for a while. 

I’m going to spend the first few days with my family, they always make me happy and calm.

Then, once I have relaxed a bit I will start to visit friends for some play time and adventures. 

I’m very excited about this trip. I think it’s just what I need at the moment. 

Small Events

Isn’t it funny, how one slight hiccup in life can cause, what feels like, your whole world to crash down?

I guess that’s the way of Bipolar.  Being particularly sensitive to things appears to be common among those who have the disorder. Any mental disorder, really. 

What is awful about all of this is the simple fact that you can constantly be brought down by tiny little events. 

Recently, one of these small events took me from feeling happy to downright depressed. 

So how do you cope with small, or big, events causing shifts in your mood?

In other words, how do you gain faith back in humanity when it is constantly crushing you? 

Sick

How I wish I could truly believe, with all my heart and soul, that things would get better. 

Minor setbacks cause major repercussions in my world. 

A depressive episode is not what I want right now, I know it’s never what you want, but I can usually handle myself. 

And I’m quite sad to say, that this time.. I don’t think I can handle this. 

This time, I need someone to save me, rather than me doing it, because I’m weak and I’m just so very sad to the core.

I’m sick of my constant pain and no answers as to why my health is so bad. 

I’m sick of horrible humans bringing me down.

I’m sick of Bipolar taking me so high up then crashing down.

I’m just sick of it. 

Sometimes

Sometimes,

Enough was enough

Sometimes,

She had to let it all out

Sometimes, 

It was whether she wanted to or not

Sometimes, 

Life was simply just too much 

Sometimes,

She needed to sleep it off 

The Beast Within

Part of her had a certain type of blood lust about it. 

She kept this part of her locked away. The key – was triggering her in any way, shape or form. 

However, she never unleashed the beast within. Not anymore. 

She’d been there and she’d done that and she was not proud of it and that is why it is locked away. 

The problem with the beast lingering in the back of her mind was her fantasies. 

Fantasies of evil thoughts – of ending it all and of violent visualisations. 

Some days, they took over entirely. 

All she could think was awful thoughts. 

And there was nothing she could do about it.

It’s Time

In times of deep sadness or depression, I find it important to cling to what makes me truly, completely happy. 

Do what you love with great passion. Give whatever you do everything you’ve got; your heart and your soul. 

Live on your terms. Do things that make you smile. Others may not like it, but do not fret for others are not your problem. 

It may hurt a whole lot right now and it may seem like the end would be the way. 

But I can assure you, it’s not. 

It’s time to take charge of your life. 

It’s time to live your dreams. 

It’s time to pull yourself up and love life.

It’s time. 

Choose

When the times get tough, choose yourself.

Choose happiness. Choose to get back up after you’ve been kicked down. Choose love. Choose everlasting friendships that will give you memories to carry to the grave. Choose to get up in the morning. Choose to work harder, on whatever is going on in your life. Choose yourself. 

I beg of you to choose yourself because when it comes down to it, choosing yourself is choosing life – and there is nothing more important than living life to the fullest.