Identity Crisis

I am still going through an identity crisis.
I have a lot of questions about myself that I need to be answered.
There is still a large part of me that wishes to rain hell fire upon those who wrong me or anyone close to me. Fantasies I have about it are common, I play out scenes in my mind and get some sort of odd satisfaction from it.
I am compassionate yet my hatred for humanity still remains strong, as it always has. I want to spread happiness, peace and light, but I am constantly heartbroken by human’s actions.
I am scared. So fucking frightened of the unknown, but wanting to experience life. I don’t want to spend my days shut away inside my house but fear holds me in there.
I am sad. Deeply sad about events that have transpired in life. Things I cannot change. Things that are done already.
I don’t know who I am and it’s seeming like I never will.

Fear and Self Loathing

When fear leads to self loathing.
I am filled with fear, the demons still tiptoe around my brain where they reside. Sure, they no longer stomp and shake up my emotions to the point where I can’t stand to be alive. But they are still there, creeping around quietly, planning on their next move to send me into a spiral of self destruction.
The fears that the demons produce are unrealistic and quite petty, perhaps in some people’s eyes, but in mine they are strong and lead to self loathing when I cannot conquer them.
Today, I simply cannot go for a walk. I had set myself this goal to go for a walk this morning but couldn’t do it. I could not complete the simplest of tasks, due to fear.
And now I feel just awful, I’m down and I can’t get up.

Mutated Butterflies II

Mutated butterflies;
Coming with a vengeance.
Riddling the mind with guilt.
Mutated butterflies;
Leading the mind astray.
Thoughts of what could not be.
Mutated butterflies;
Wrecking havoc once again.
Growing stronger by the moment.

MJ

To my dear Mary Jane,

You have been by my side for years now. You’ve never wronged me. I have inhaled your sweet smoke and been taken to a better place. A better reality; one that I could deal with. You lit me up, when everything was dark around me. You took away the crippling fear and anxiety I suffered every day of my life. You settled my aggressive, disconcert self. You made me calm, cool and collected.
Alas, I am afraid that our time together must come to an end. For what I have realised is that what we have has spiralled out of control. I need you now. I need you always. If I don’t have you, I’m agitated and angry. I cry and express the anger that lies within me. If I don’t have you, I’m anxious and distressed. I can’t handle real life without you. And that is why this must end. I cannot depend on something so much for my own happiness – I simply can’t. Tomorrow I will begin the elimination of you from my life. I feel a certain type of sadness, maybe it’s fear. Maybe I don’t think I can do it – part ways with you. You’ve got grips on my life like nothing else. But it’s time I let that go, no matter how hard it may be for me.

BipolarCoaster

Though she felt happy now, she knew all about her destiny.
So far life had been a crazy roller coaster ride. There were moments with her hands in the air, screaming with joy, and there were the sickening lows that shook her entire being.
Right now it felt like she was in line for the next ride.
That’s what Bipolar is like. It doesn’t go away. Yeah, there are times when you’re stable and well-balanced, but alas, depressive and manic episodes are imminent in the future. There’s no escaping them, there is only dealing with them. You have to ride the roller coaster whether you like it or not.
The only advice I can give to you is to enjoy the ride, take every good experience from it, no matter how small, and clutch them close to your heart. Learn from these experiences. Consider them to be adventures. And when you’re waiting in line, embrace the time you have in a healthy headspace. Build your courage for the ride ahead in this time.
But most of all; try to enjoy your ride.

Twenties Expectations

I’m in my twenties now and I feel like there is a lot of expectations of a 20-something year old.
Not only the new responsibilities of being an adult, but because of societal norms and such.
Being mentally ill and suffering from severe depressive and manic episodes, as well as frequent panic attacks, really changes a person in time.
I’m expected to be partying, to be settling down and getting married or to be travelling the world. However, I am not interested in these things, nor do I believe they are the right path for me at this current time.
Partying reminds me of worse times in my life, and is extremely difficult for me to do due to Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. It reminds me of horrible incidents, of the destruction of my body and mind and of who I don’t want to be. I know what I’m like as a party girl, and I don’t like it.
I love my partner very much. Absolutely adore him. He’s supportive, kind and funny. We’re a perfect fit. But I’m not ready for marriage and babies. I am not capable of taking care of myself yet, let alone a baby. But this expectation is a burden on my shoulders, it’s constantly brought up by others.
As for travelling, I don’t have any interest. I travelled around all of Australia when I was growing up and it was a beautiful, amazing experience that I am so thankful for. However, considering my mental state – I don’t think I would fair well in travel nowadays; too scared for that sort of thing. That, and I’m too settled in to my life. Just me, my boyfriend and my dog, at home and happy.
I’m dedicating my twenties to finding myself and healing. To learning coping mechanisms to prepare me for the rest of my life. I’m dedicating my twenties to being me.

Change & Love.

Rain trickled down the windows, giving the room a sense of calm, as well as a cool breeze that refreshed her.
She watched the water droplets run down the window and pondered life.
Things were going to change, and it was going to be soon.
Change; the one constant in her life. The only thing that was different now was that change was not something she was afraid of. It was something she wanted to embrace, to take in and let overcome her life. The rain poured harder and the sound of it on the tin roof soothed her.
She thought about her life – what it was and what it is now. Everything was so different. Including her.
She had become a new person that she adored. And though she had some bumps in the road, she loved anyway.
That was who she was now, someone who loved with all her heart and had kindness to her core. Not only that, but she was brave now too.
All of the love, the determination, the change, transformed her into the person she had always wanted to be.

Intake Appointment

I’m feeling quite emotionally drained, tonight. To be honest, emotionally exhausted.
I had an intake appointment at a mental health care facility that has a number of different types of therapists, psychologists, nurses, etc. I loved the place. It has a hangout area for people (as it’s for 12-25 year olds) with a pool table, kitchen, some chairs and these awesome quotes with paintings of their authors. Tupac was one of them, and Gandhi. I can’t remember the quotes but they were some fantastic paintings.
Anyway, the appointment is what drained me. It basically entailed going over every painful even in my life, ripping them up and giving them to a stranger so I could be passed onto someone who can help me best. I feel a little sad now, but that’s normal.
I’ve also addressed drug rehabilitation. Extremely large step for me as I love my dear Mary Jane. But I cannot depend on her to make me feel better every day. I just can’t anymore. I need to be normal. I crave it more than anything. I also got a referral for Art Therapy which I am SO excited about. And one for people who help those that struggle with Agoraphobia. So I’ve got a lot going on, to say the least.
Although I’m sad right now, I’m happy about what will come from all this. Sometimes you need to just work on yourself. It’s what’s most important, after all.

Not So Random Virus

Firstly, I’d like to say thank you for all your kind comments on my previous post.
It means a lot to have a supportive network of people to talk to when I’m having problems.
Secondly, I went to the doctor today.
I love my doctor, she is such a kind, funny and generous woman. She always makes me feel better. It turns out there is a virus going around and I seem to have caught it. Hence, the vomiting and nausea. The stress however is probably unrelated – but warranted considering my current circumstances. I’ve been moving house, have a new job, and have been tackled head on by this virus. I’m exhausted.
Anyway, I got a shot of Maxolon to stop my nausea and vomiting, did a little moving work and came home and slept for 4 hours. I felt much better after though, albeit a headache that just won’t quit. I have a prescription for something that will rehydrate my body and hopefully that will get rid of the throbbing headache.
In other news, our house is looking more homely by the day, I’m so happy to be here. When I get better everything will feel great. Just gotta kick this illness!

Panic Disorder & Illness.

I have been sick for almost a week now. This has gotten me to wonder;
Is Panic Disorder playing a cruel joke on me?
My symptoms are nausea and vomiting (I often vomit when I am overly anxious, it is horrid.), feeling run down and an occasional headache. I also can’t sleep so well. All of these things can be triggered by stress which has led me to believe that it could be in fact my mind that is ill, as well as my body. I have had plenty of stress as of late – and let me tell you this, I do not handle it well. I had to call in sick to work because I was vomiting a lot at 6am. I felt and still feel terrible about that. I have another shift coming up and I am terrified that I will have an anxiety attack while I am at work.
I hope that this is just a random virus that will go away, and not actually Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia making a strong return in my life.