Monthly Archives: May 2014
I’ve got this issue.
I really don’t see a point in behaving like a normal human being because I’ve always been so far from being one.
I don’t want to save my money. I want to spend it on things that make me happy. Am I superficial? Fuck yes I’m superficial, but that’s who I am and about my life only. I spend my money on beauty products, gifts for myself, spoiling my dog my dog, medical bills, rent and my phone bill.
I literally see not one problem with this. I know I should. I know someone else will tell me to think about my future. I’m almost 22 and I have accomplished nothing. I did not finish high school, I never could keep a job, I’m on disability pension and I suffer from multiple medical conditions.
But my future is bleak. It’s different. My future is dedicated to me staying happy and alive. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to study. I don’t want anything special. I just want to get by.
My bills that I do have are paid in advance, so I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong by spending my money frivolously.
I feel like I should feel guilty about this because of other people having everything in order. But I’m just not like anyone else.
What’s a girl to do?
She was all caught up and didn’t know what to do.
She ran. Somewhere far. Somewhere no one could ever find her again.
She ran. Somewhere totally different. And she didn’t stop running.
She’ll never stop running until she’s whole.
No one will ever understand.
I finally feel like myself again. The trouble is, I’ve got problems with who I am. I know everybody has their faults – but mine are the sort that crush a future and ruin the present.
Do I speak to a therapist? Do I work on my faults on my own? Or do I accept them?
The trouble with internal faults is they can’t be easily covered or changed like your appearance. Work needs to be put in. Hard work.
Work I have to do. One way or another.
Today I got back from a 3 night holiday in my home town which I moved from 6 months ago. I haven’t been there since I moved and was so excited to be going to see everyone. My flight was late on Saturday and my anxiety kicked in early, and hard.
I got to see my best friend and most of my other closest friends the Saturday night, but by Sunday my other medical condition had flared up and I was in pain and exhausted. I went to see my parents which was really nice. I found out they won’t be coming to visit anymore though, so that kind of bummed me out a little. I didn’t get to see my grandparents at all and I feel awful. My grandma is 93 and I want to take every chance I get to see her and pop but I just didn’t have enough time. Same goes for my gramps who has bad Alzheimer’s and my nanna who was currently staying in town too. I feel awful about not seeing people but I really realised where my home is now. I’m glad I moved but I just wish I could see my friends and family more often. All I need to save and improve on the Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia and maybe I’ll be fine. On the flight home and day of (today) I’ve had zero anxiety which has been great. Just wish it had’ve been like that going to my home town!
Anyway that’s my update for now if anyone is interested.
That’s what I will call you for the majority of this letter, for there are so many others like you out there.
Patient, your life is complicated. You see, you have Bipolar Disorder. You reach the highest points of irrationality and you can’t control it.
You seep to the lowest place a person can be and you stay there for weeks, months, years – perpetually drowning in sorrow. You’re unpredictable at times. A lot of people leave, by their own choice or by you forcing them out of your life. To be you, Patient, is a day to day struggle.
One that the majority of people do not experience. You are a fighter. You go through treatment to regulate your mind because living in your own personal hell isn’t ideal. Not only for yourself, but you do it for the sake of others. You go out of your way to make people around you feel more comfortable with your illness. This shows your compassion. Trust me when I say this, Patient, things do get better. With persistence, hope and treatment you can handle this.
Then you will feel ‘normal’ like you crave oh so badly. A different sort of normal though. A travelled soul – someone with perks and quirks that have been created due to struggle.
Yes, you will still have your ups and downs, but you’re alive and you will only get better by becoming at peace with yourself.
So I beg of you,
Just keep on going, Patient. No matter what. Just keep on pushing for a better life and you will get one.
This time last year I was broken.
I had no purpose. I had just moved back into my parents house and was pretty much in solitude other than my parents. They live slightly out of town so nobody really wanted to make the drive to visit. Especially with the condition I was in. This was also in the dead end of a 6 month fling where I’d see the guy maybe once a week, and to be honest wish I was elsewhere the whole time (which seemed like the story of my life at the time). I spent my time cooking, reading, exercising and listening to music. Which is a good routine – but not when you are alone. When you are alone you just feel empty. I was so paranoid when I was around people that I just gave up. I didn’t want to be around anymore. I felt like a drain on everybody’s resources and I couldn’t work. Bipolar wasn’t getting any better and I was starting to get very sick due to medication. I felt like my world was crumbling.
A week later, I got a puppy and named her Juno. Who saved my life by giving me a purpose.
Two weeks after that, I started seeing my boyfriend. Who had given me unconditional love and support throughout everything.
Months later, I had my medication changed and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. Now my Bipolar is stabilised, and I don’t feel paranoid in social situations so much anymore. I’m less afraid to go outside.
I’ve had my ups and my downs, but i have improved immensely over the past year. I’m so thankful for everyone who helped me in my journey, and so happy I’m still here.
Mental illness has numerous different types of helpful therapies and treatments. I consider blogging to be one of these and here’s why.
There’s a lot of thoughts and feelings happening for someone with mental illness, and to bottle that up would be detrimental. While talking to a partner, friend or relative about it could help, it could also give you reactions you don’t want or need at that time. Blog venting gets all that stuff out, the bad and the good, which takes a weight off your shoulders.
Tracking your progress
Something that’s good to do with blogging your mental illness is the fact that you have a record of your moods and feelings. Not only for you, but for your therapist or psychiatrist too if you wish. It also gives you records of your moods to look at and think, “hey, I got through that.” It can remind you of the good days you are capable of having when you’re feeling down.
Relating to others
If you have a public blog, you’ll notice that you’ll relate to strangers also suffering from mental illness. As well as relating to them. When someone says “I know how you feel” it makes a difference. Just to not feel like you’re “crazy” or all alone.
When people read your blogs, they often offer support. Whether it be a conversation or a recommendation to see a doctor. If you choose to share your blog with your friends and loved ones, you will see that support pours in from there too. For a mentally ill person that is incredibly helpful.
That’s why I think blogging is a huge help in having mental illness. You can keep it private, or you can share whatever you want. It’s completely your choice and helps you in the long run. I’ve been blogging since I was 14 or 15 and it’s really interesting to read over everything to compare with life now, and to give you hope for the future, because after all – every day above ground is a good day.
I’m sitting down listening to the music I listened to at my darkest times. I don’t know why. Sort of an experiment perhaps. These songs always put me at ease, while I cried myself to sleep.
Now they give me a range of emotions and memories. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach remembering being curled up in a dark room, resting my head on a tear soaked pillow. I have a happy feeling knowing I got out of it alive. I remember picking sad songs for some reason. I could relate to them, so I listened.
This has been the same with books and movies.
I have movies that I have watched probably over 100 times each. I watched 500 Days Of Summer every day for a month when I was in my breakdown.
I have old books, covered in tear drop stains, that showed me that my life wasn’t so bad. They showed me that others have it worse and if they could get through their struggles, then I could too. I read the old books that I was drawn to and remember the feelings involved in why I chose them. I wanted to feel better. I wanted hope. When I read the books again, I gain that sense of hope that I had but at my own level.
I have my own story, and I have my own hope.
I’m compiling a list of things that perk up my day. This list will help me to remember the good things on the bad days, do them and change my perspective.
The little things that make me happy
A big, firm hug from my boyfriend.
Gossipy text messages with my best friend.
Cuddles with my dog.
Winging it in the kitchen.
A well made coffee.
Buying something for myself.
A walk in the late afternoon.
Dancing with Mary Jane.
Going on dates.
Cheese and wine platters.
Baking and decorating cupcakes.
My favourite movies.
A phone call to my parents.
Getting dolled up.
Snuggling up in bed.
Listening to my favourite music.