The blame game

and the worst part is there’s no one else to blame.

Absolutely soul crushing lows followed by bouts of extreme, radical mania. Waiting, praying, for a break; for a “normal” phase. Wanting to someone to blame, but forever falling short. For it is no one else’s fault that Bipolar exists within you. It’s not even yours. It’s the luck of the draw. Some come up short and get tested with mental illness like Bipolar Disorder. It hurts at times to have such a crippling condition, you just want someone to be the blame for your suffering – so you can take it out on them. But there is no one to blame. So you blame yourself. You hurt yourself and you loathe yourself. But you must remember, it is not your fault, either.
It’s nobody’s fault. It’s what you’ve been given and with that you have two choices – try your hardest to fight it, or crumble under the pressure. Sometimes it feels impossible not to crumble under the pressure, but that does not make you less of a person. Keep fighting. Keep pushing. Keep taking steps to better your life. Stop the blame game. Accept what is yours and do what you can with it.
You’ve got this.

my life in a few words

This sums it up, really.

Do I owe you an apology?

I often think back on relationships I’ve had which haven’t worked out. I’m not talking just romantic, it’s mostly friendships. I’ve watched these relationships turn bad, be phased out or I’ve cut them off. Sometimes I see these people around or have the odd thought about them. It gets me to thinking – what really happened to our relationship? Most of the time it’s been due to Bipolar. My inability to hold friendships whilst unmedicated is astounding. Which then leads me onto, do I owe this person an apology?
I don’t remember much of what happened most of the time, but all these friendships ended at roughly the same time. I was insane. I will admit that. I was paranoid, slightly delusional and on a negative, hateful path.
Perhaps I’ll spend some time righting some wrongs, or perhaps I’ll just leave things as they are. On one hand I feel bad for my actions and on the other, I was very sick and didn’t know what I was doing.
So I’m just thinking, do I owe them an apology?

Perfection

There’s one thing you must always remember – human beings are works in progress. Always. There is never an absolutely perfect human. Each and every one of us has flaws. Some may have it together better than others, but they still are not perfect. No matter how much you achieve, how hard you fight, how much you put in; you will never be perfect.
But perfection is not something that we should strive for. It’s an unrealistic goal. What you should strive for is happiness. Overall, what really matters in life is your happiness.
Never beat yourself up about your flaws, for everybody has them, they are just different. Keep trying your hardest, do what you have to do to ensure your happiness. You may never be the best at everything or be totally fine all the time, but you are a work in progress; and a beautiful one at that.

Judging my own writing.

Everything I’ve been writing lately, I’ve been hating. I read them over and critique them negatively so much. I’m sad because this was not the point of my blog. I wanted to show others my experiences with Bipolar and Panic Disorder, to inspire others and to all clear my thoughts. I haven’t really been clearing my thoughts, I feel like I’m lacking something – like I’m a bit off. I don’t want to judge my writing. I don’t even judge other people’s writing. I just read and appreciate the creativity or raw honesty that comes from them. I don’t know, maybe I’m being too hard on myself.

Moving forward.

Moving forward with your life when you’ve got mental illness can often be tricky. People assume that to move on you need to have it all figured out already, that you have to know exactly what you’re going to do. But I disagree with this.
Moving forward isn’t just major steps of improvement, it’s all those little steps too. It can be going from being bedridden to getting up and going for a walk. It can be planning to go out with a friend. It can be deciding to get a part time job.
Moving forward can be whatever you want it to be, as long as you keep going. It’s not huge goals being accomplished; it’s the little wins you have in your life mixed with a sense of satisfaction and motivation.
If you feel as though you can accomplish large goals, go ahead, do it! If you can only achieve small and what may seem to others as insignificant goals, still do it! Every little bit counts in moving forward with your life.

Just living

I don’t know where I’m at right now in life. I can see the leaps and bounds I’ve made within my recovery over the past few years, but it’s not enough. I am completely dependent on others. On the government, on my boyfriend, on family members. I’m going to be frank here; I feel like a piece of shit a lot of the time. I’m constantly doing nothing with my life. Yes, I am severely mentally ill, but I just can’t find it in myself for that to be an excuse. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take feeling like a child. The older I get, the more reliant I become on other people. Everything just keeps crumbling beneath my feet; over and over again. I build myself up and it gets smashed into smithereens. My confidence is lost, somewhere along with my intelligence and creativity. I feel utterly stupid. My memory is shocking; I can’t remember yesterday. All I do is sleep. I have lost my goals that were close to my heart. I never feel totally satisfied. I am trying more and it shows, but there’s a voice in my head still telling me what a fucking failure I am. I was once a young, beautiful girl filled with ambition and passion. I was intelligent, I could hold conversations and win debates whether I was right or not. I once wanted to have a family of my own, but now that I have suffered so at the harsh grips of Bipolar and Panic Disorder, I have no desire. I am 22 years old and I can’t take care of myself. I could never take care of a family. Friendships have begun to weaken and I am missing my home town more than ever. Funny, the place that kept me in a constant rut is now what I miss. Not so much the place, more the people.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t know, I just feel worthless right now. And a lot of the other time, too. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone. I don’t want to go through life white knuckling it. I don’t want to miss who I was every fucking second of my life. I don’t want to do anything really.
So for now I’m just living, kicking and screaming, falling and failing; but living.

Reasons or results.

Lately, I spend a lot of my time sleeping. Before that, I spent a lot of my time not sleeping, but not doing a whole lot of anything else either.
I read a quote recently, “In life, we have either reasons or results.” which really sunk in for me.
It’s given me a sort of motivation to do more. Not just because my life is looking a little boring, but for my mental health and happiness. I have been one to give reasons as to why I cannot live my life to the fullest with the hand I’ve been dealt. But it’s about time for change. No more reasons, no more excuses. It’s time for results. It’s time for me to take the bull by the horns and live my life.
It may only start with small things, but everything counts. Each step I take looking for results is a step taken in the right direction.
I will try to cut down my sleeping and replace it with productive activities.
I’m done with waiting around with reasons. It’s time for results.

I am the hero of this story.

My story is one of ups and downs; of sins and sadness, of creativity and sheer crazy. It is a story of pain and hate and beauty and happiness. It is a story of bliss and the darkest shadows. There are many characters in my story, some play major roles and others end up just being extras. But I am the main character. I am the one who must step up and battle the demons to the death. I am the one who saves me in the end. I am the hero of this story. There will and has been twists and turns and though it may not be the most captivating of stories, it is a tale of redemption, of growth and of love. I cannot put pen to paper on telling my story. There’s so much I want hidden. So much that I, at one point, could not deal with. There’s so much that would hurt the ones I love and crush relationships into dust. Parts of it are impossible to explain. Those manic episodes, oh those manic episodes. Unexplainable behaviour and delusions that lead me to believe my sanity had left me for good.
One day I’ll tell my story. Not just yet. But when I become the hero I need to be, I will confess all.
I will tell the darkest and ugliest parts of my story, as well as the glorious highlights that make me who I end up being in the future. I will have no restraint and the words will flow like a waterfall. Everything will be out in the open and I believe that finally, I will become free.
I will be the hero, and I will tell my story

Anxiety – how I manage.

One of the things I learnt after being diagnosed with Panic Disorder is that anxiety is okay. It is a normal human emotion and is felt by everyone at some time or another. The key is the manage your anxiety to the best of your ability. When you start to feel the symptoms of anxiety coming in, take 10 deep breaths. Be at one with the moment. Find the root of your anxiety, accept that thought and move on with your day. Repeat this as often as you need to push through your day.
Remember, it is okay to feel anxious. It does not make you any less of a person, it doesn’t make you a freak – everyone feels anxiety. Maybe not to the extent that you feel it, but with therapy and mindfulness you can overcome most of it.
Also, remember to push yourself. You can’t just sit by and let an emotion like anxiety be your boss. You need to stand up and fight, step out of your comfort zone. Every day you fight your anxiety, you become stronger and more capable of handling it.
Most of all remember, you’re not alone.